Ending Conflict

Everyone is looking for the answer to mediate and end conflict.


There are think-tanks, politicians, world figures, famous people, psychologist, counsellors, religious figures, etc are all getting on the game of ending conflict. 


To some, that is what conflict represents; A Game! To others a way to get into history, build a legacy, or some other personal (selfish) reason.


They are all trying to find the complex secret or system to end or resolve conflict in some way. Though the view of conflict may seem complex, in reality it is not so complex at all.


All conflict starts with a single grievance and then other grievances are added on the original grievance until there reaches the inevitable breaking point i.e. conflict. 


Whatever the single grievance may be, it  becomes a grievance when "A" believes that "B" has taken an advanced unfairly or unjustly. Whether this is true or not, is a mute point because if "A" believes it to be true then it is true.


All conflicts are the same and size is to most extent irrelevant.  From conflict between people to conflict between nations, it is all the same. 
Some may argue that the conflict has history but all history is, is a single grievance with multiple grievances added onto it over time (in many cases the original single grievance is lost).
Some would argue the conflicts between nations (size) makes them extremely complex. Well no, even between nations there is always that original single grievances on which multiple grievance get again added on.


At the end of the day it comes down to two people sitting down and having a simple discussion.


So if the answer to ending conflict is simple then why isn't it being used. It is because the first three things needed to end conflict are so hard for parties to do and in most cases refuse to do. 


What are these seemingly possible things:






* EMPATHY


* I AM SORRY 


* Give up saying: I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG




I will start with the last one first. 


Give Up Saying, "I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG".


If "A" and "B" or just one of them have this attitude nothing will ever be resolved and most likely it will guarantee more trouble and grievance. 


In all conflicts all parties are right and all parties are wrong. Reality means very little even with evidence cause if one of them believe they are right then for them, THEY ARE RIGHT. No amount of convincing or evidence will change this perception.


All parties are Right and all parties are Wrong so discussing these is in short a waste of time and energy.


Also each side has acted, reacted, acted, reacted again and again and again. So both of them are culpable and to blame for the conflict. They equally share responsible and blame because both allow the conflict to grow.


So that is the first step. We are all responsible! We are all to blame! Nobody is RIGHT! No body is WRONG!


Example One: Person "A" attacks you and tries to kill you. You defend yourself and kill person "A". Now you have a conflict with person "A's" family. Person "A's" family want justice for the death of their family member. From your point of view: you are right and they are wrong but from their point of view: they are view and you are wrong. Both points of view are true. So if both sides do not give up I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG then nothing can be resolved. 




EMPATHY


Now this one is tough because it requires you to forget and give up yourself, your personal feelings and your belief of what you perceive as true.  It requires you to place yourself in the other's position. To walk in their shoes, to see life as they see it, to feel life as they feel it.


It means to feel their grievance as your grievance. To feel their pain, their suffering as your pain, as your suffering.


The difficulty is in the fact that our emotions (anger, hate, distrust, contempt) make us otherize and, or dehumanized the other party. This leads to thinking that you can not relate to them, they are different, they are the enemy. Both parties are thinking the exact same thing of the each other. In conflict we tend to forget that we are all human, we all share the same DNA, we all laugh, cry and bleed. 


Example: Continuing with the scenario of Example One. Place yourself in the family's position and try to feel their loss, pain, anger and frustration at the death of their son, brother, father, husband.  Now the family place themselves in your position and feel the fear, desperateness, panic, and desire to live. Also the guilt you may or may not have over taking a life. 


By taking the other position we become a step closer and we understand that we are not so different.




I AM SORRY


The hardest of the three and the one where people may even prefer to die before they would say sorry. 


Now this "I am sorry" is not apologising for action. It is not apologising to things you believe to be right or just. Using Example One scenario, you are not apologising for the action defending yourself and taking the life of another person in the course of that defence.


This "I AM SORRY" is apologising for the pain, hurt, suffering, loss, frustrations that your actions have caused. 


It is NOT admitting or saying you are wrong, it is only saying I am sorry for your pain.


It is saying, I understand your pain, I feel your pain and I am sorry for the pain your are feeling. 


It is not a difficult thing but it is the most difficult thing of all because tend to confuse "Sorry" with the admission of guilt, blame or wrongdoing. You can feel you are correct in your action but you can say (be) sorry for the pain cause by your actions.


One would hope that you would come to understand that some of your actions were wrong and apologise for them but again this is note the purpose for this "I AM SORRY".


When we can learn to say sorry for the pain our actions or inactions have directly and indirectly caused we reach a place where true ending or conflict can begin and wisdom to avoid allow a single grievance to escalate into conflict.




Whether its a conflict between lovers, families, societies, social groups, nations, etc by utilising three simple tools "Give up saying: I am right, you are wrong", "Empathy" and "I am sorry" we can bring conflict to an end and stop conflict before it starts.


Thank you